Wild Violet

It's mid February again, the one time of year that I absolutely hate-other than those dog days of summer when the world is one big sauna you can't get out of.  There are several reasons I feel this way and very little I can do to change things.  The first is that my little sister's birthday falls at the beginning of February.  Many of you know that she was killed back in '96 in a car wreck and it's something I've never fully gotten over.

A week later you have that lovely holiday *roll eyes everyone* Valentine's Day.  Maybe if I had a sweetheart to send me flowers or chocolates I wouldn't hate it so much.  Hell, its not even getting those things on February 14th that bugs the crap out of me because I'm really not that materialistic.  Its the fact that there isn't someone special to spend my time with.

The big kicker for me is that I am now less than a week away from turning 36 and as I pull out my life goals list that I started oh, so many years ago, NOTHING has been accomplished.  None of the travel, personal goals, nothing.  And I feel like my life has been one big boring screw up.

As the new year begins and we creep closer to April, I get really down on myself.  One of my biggest dreams is to thru-hike the Appalachian Trail.  I want to thru-hike it as opposed to section hiking because I want to take that once in a lifetime opportunity to watch mother nature break from her sleep and unfurl herself in all her glory and fury.

Georgia to Maine: 2,200 miles

Between now and April I really get the blues about this dream that is slipping away.  Most north bound hikers start between mid March and early April.  Technically the trail is 'open' year round but during the winter certain sections get shut down because of the weather and the Northern terminus Mt. Katahdin closes down on October 15th (or earlier if the weather gets bad).

You may be saying 'What is stopping you from doing this and what can you do to change it?"  Believe me, I ask myself the same questions regularly to see if my answers change.  My first answer is $$$.  I have to save the funds to pay for the trek as well as $$$ to live on once the trip is over, 'cause lets face it, how many employers are going to say 'Suuuure!  Take 6+ months off for a vacation!' and still have a job to come back to?  Yes there are a few, but I've never worked for any of them.   By the end of 2013 I will be completely debt free (WOW!  I know!). That will free up $$$ to go into the dream fund.  And most of my big ticket equipment has been purchased over the years so all that's left is personal items and perishables.

The biggest issue holding me back mentally is my parents.  I gave up a dream job to be closer to them because of their declining health.  I really don't expect my mother to live another 10 years and if she does it will really shock me.  My dad's health has leveled off and it seems to be just the usual 'growing older' issues he is facing, his heart and diabetes are well under control at present.  I'm the only child they now have and our extended family can't be relied upon to help which makes me feel extremely guilty to take off into the wilderness for a walkabout. 

So for now I am focusing on getting my body in better shape, my finances in order so that when I am able to (Dear God let it be before I'm retired!) then this picture:

1st Blaze on the AT

And this picture:

Joel and Courtney 10/1/09

Will be ME and not my friends! 'Cause let me tell you, it really sent me reeling towards depression when they set out to accomplish MY life goal.  (If you care to read the trail journal they kept during  their trip here's the link:  http://trailjournals.com/entry.cfm?id=266291